Tuesday, October 20, 2009

And so today, I dropped physics...

It was painful, I have to be honest. This class which struck fear in my heart when I first starting reading up on pre-reqs for med school... scales, forked tongue... physics.

Over the summer, if you've been reading, you know I picked up a couple of books on physics:

Thinking Physics by ..., 50 Physics Ideas by Joanne Baker, Physics Made Simple (apparently I didn't read this enough!!) by G. De Pree, and Hawking's Brief History of Time. I read pieces and parts of all the books, trying to decipher and grasp something that would keep me attuned to the subject yet to come.

It was not the subject matter that tattooed my butt. I loved the class. I loved my lab partners (Hi Tania and Amanda) they were some of the best ever. What I didn't love and what was hard was my life at home.

My son is my life and greatest gift. One only has to look at the picture of him last July 4th to realize... our smiles are genuine. My love for him undying.

A few years ago "Evil" moved into our home. Evil rode in on his white horse (a 300C Chrysler) complete with a masochistic demented attitude toward life, and a mentality bent on destroying anything in his path. My son adored him. My son who has been raised fatherless looked up to this man as the father he never had. And sadly, this man was evil.

Sometimes people forget what horrors a child goes through or what a child learns during hard times: hopefully, the child learns to cope and to get through it, MORE hopefully, the child never experiences it. Mine did.

Evil abused him and me. If I was not home, my son took the brunt of Evil's harsh and exquisite tongue that forked out harsh language and nastier bite. Evil had a way of making people forget how harsh he had been blaming his own situation, his own issues, his own upbringing, his own demented thoughts on everyone but himself and after blaming everyone else and everything else, turning into the charmer we knew him to be.

I blame myself. I traveled and Evil said he'd take care of the house and dogs while I was gone. My son was at my parents house on weekends so I did not know how bad things were. Evil also convinced me I was clueless in the parenting department and didn't know how to discipline. Sadly, I believed him. Looking back, I guess I have to wonder how is it that if I was such a failure, my then 12 year old son was getting straight A's and fairly well liked at school?!

Evil was banished from our home. I wish I could have banished the harm done to my son as well. There is absolutely no doubt the abuse suffered at Evil's hands changed my son. For five years, I've been trying to undo what that waste of human flesh did to my son in less than a year. For five years, I've been trying to get the help that is needed for a child inside a grown man's body.

If I sound a little angry, I am. I'm more than angry. The rage I felt 5 years ago has come back. My son ... and with my eyes watering all I can say is, "My son."

I'm taking only one class now this semester. The harsh reality of what that monster did to my son, only now coming on in spurts and blurts. School is < than my child, as it should be... and med school, if need be, can wait.


Anonymous said...

you will not be sorry that you have spent the time trying to help your son. But you will be sorry, as I am, that you had to choose between your son and physics because of the evil deeds of someone else

A Doc 2 Be said...

Thank you.

I loved this class... the professor, the TA, and my lab mates. ALL were and are amazing individuals.

Over the course of the last three weeks, it has become crystal clear what I needed to do. Tonight, the professor of that class gave me forthright advice.

I adore my child more than I need to get to med school "right now". This decision was painful... but the only right one to make.

Thank you for the support!

femail doc said...

Damn abusers, amazing how we can hooked and kudos to you for getting unhooked. That takes a lot of strength and you will be able to use that strength to bring your son all the way back!

A Doc 2 Be said...

Thank you for the support! It was hard to let the class go as I feared it would put me behind where I'd like to be this summer - MCAT and applying.

As it turns out, I will be taking an accelerated physics sequence and still taking the MCAT in summer and applying...

Meanwhile, my son will get the help he needs.

Thank you again!

ForeverRhonda said...

You know you made the right decision and you will never regret putting your child first. I am sure that you will continue your journey to med school and be a great doctor.

I hope you and your son find the healing that you need.

A Doc 2 Be said...

Thank you! I am only a little behind now.