Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Failure

Never in the past 3 years have I uttered that word realistically. I've said it euphemistically, "I failed that test" when in reality, it was an A-; or I've said, "I failed at that lab" and then really got a low A (not even an A-, just a low A).

Most often it has referred to my own perfectionism exhibiting itself in an OCD manner - I think that might be true of many premeds -

never good enough
never fast enough
never smart enough
never study enough
never perfect enough

It's a trait we are rewarded well for... medical school admission. That one three word phrase keeps us up at night, striving for more knowledge, better understanding, extensive reading.

For non-trads, FUD sets in often; or rather, in my case it sets in daily (HA!). Last semester when FUD set in, my friends (hi K, hi T) would say, "Eh, Ad2b? Really?" and I'd move on.

This semester I have a professor I've spoken about on occasion. He's known to be the most difficult biochem professor but also has two outstanding faculty awards to his credit - granted by students. I don't mind hard as long as hard = good. In his case, he is GREAT!

And he knows me... he forgave my Fall 2009 chaos and welcomed me back into his classroom. And he started me studying the right things months ago so I could do well. And he told me to get an A in his class... and again, how to do so.

Enter the new job... the new CFO who is buried and can't get his head above water... and my waiting on him to respond all day so that I could focus on my biochem. I have only one day that I can dedicate to school - no work, no home, no nothing but school and on this day, I was at work... trying to make things pull together... and I never heard from him. By the time the day was done, it was late on Sunday night, I knew there were major things happening on Monday - I'd already worked 22 hours in 2 days and my Monday was looking no better.

And I had a take home. For biochem. That I scrambled to get done myself instead of going to the TA's to get their help and correct answers.

So, instead of feeling awesome about being in this particular professor's class, I'm embarrassed. Humiliated.

I failed the take home. It's only a few points (thank God) and our major midterm is next week but it is the failure of disappointing him.

And "Hello FUD my old friend! It's hard to see you again..."

Epic fail. ilvl 457.

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