Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Last Christmas?

My dad couldn't catch his breath, slumped over the walker that my mother was using instead... he had to sit, hold his head; smiling at my son and I, trying to hide the fear.

I hate this.

I hate watching this man whom I've adored my entire life slip away in front of me.  I hate watching him suffer and shake.  I hate watching him lose his balance and if I were not there to steady him, he would have fallen.  I hate that he is ... dying.  I hate it.

Christmas.  The season of peace and hope... and yet in my own world, with my dad, there is none.  He is struggling.  For life.  To be 50 again and able to meander to Florida and put his feet in the Gulf. I don't know that he is able to fly... and surely, he can't be in a car for the drive.

Trying to find a reason to celebrate today and instead finding solace in the MCAT prep until I see him again this afternoon... where I steady myself for what could be, the last Christmas.

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