Saturday, August 20, 2016

Unfortunate Drama

Several years ago, I dated a person whom we all now succinctly call, "Satan" because he was hell to live with after his shiny exterior wore off.  I met him at the age of 38 when I was thin, gorgeous and primed to meet a fabulous guy.

Things started off as most relationships do: it was fun, he was hot, he was bigger than life.  But there were little clues along the early path that I should have heeded.

He was jealous of any other man in my vicinity.  A friend of mine, John, has been one of my dearest friends in the world for almost 3 decades and we have always been nothing but friends; but to Satan, John was the enemy who would finally - in Satan's mind at least - woo me.  I never laughed so hard when Satan told me that.  Really?

Then there was Scott.  He was jealous of Scott as well.  Scott married his best friend, Jennifer, in a gorgeous wedding in Anchorage.  I was best woman... and brought my then boyfriend with me but Satan didn't care; he was jealous of Scott too.

There were the temper tantrums Satan threw over menial things: doors left open, soda cans not fully drained; the list goes on and on.

Primarily, people who act like Satan are insecure with themselves and overtly, it become narcissism.  Every one and every thing is a threat.  And the relationship becomes abusive.  Only those that the narcissist trusts (because they are lesser than they are in their eyes) are welcome in the life.  Satan trusted no one - including my own son whom he threatened... and whereupon, found his stuff on my curb.

Abuse knows no limits.  Isolation, judgmental, deprivation.  Satan did all those things to me.  Sabotaging my own self-esteem, denigrating everything I felt true about me to the point where I did not know who I really was anymore... when he got thrown out, I thought peace would come immediately, but it took years.

It took years to realize who I am and what I'm about.  It took years to rid myself of the stench he left behind.  About that time I met the physician who kicked me in the butt to get back to medical school pre-reqs.  While I ended that relationship as well, I'm forever thankful he was in my life for that very reason.  I'm  here today, writing as a medical school applicant because of him.

After I broke things off with him, there was one more person I thought maybe with.  Sir Hawtsalot, I called him.  Wealthy beyond imagination, secure, dignified, reasonable, wicked smart; we played chess and drank wine, we did all sorts of things but his lifestyle was not one that made me think forever partnership as he had to bound like Tigger in Pooh all over the world.  I believe he thought his money and means would keep me but...

I broke up with him too... money can't keep me.  It's the heart that does.  His heart was so scattered that no one person can ever be his only partner... he was a cheat.  He went on to get married and hasn't changed much; he still travels the world at a moment's notice but he does appear to love his wife.  I'm thankful for that - she has something I don't: Patience in relationships and a need for "gold" - she's a digger and he doesn't care.

There's a couple of main points to this whole post that I hope don't get lost:

1.  Abuse starts off as a "you don't understand" type of thing and turns into isolation; been there, won't ever do it again; can see it a million miles away

2.  Dignity is never lost - how you treat your spouse, your spouse's friends and others shows what type of person one is

3.  I am not, and never will be, a gold digger.  My life has been filled with people who are multi-billionaires (they owned a significant portion of ABC, the MN Wild, the precursor to DirecTV, among others); my life has been filled with countless multi-millionaires as well (largest wholesale nursery in the country, to descendants of the Waltons, to overnighters like Sir Hawtsalot).  Those people were welcome in MY life because of who they were inside, not how much resided in their bank accounts; they accepted me for the lack of... and never judged me for it.

For those of you who are reading this know, I am always a friend no matter the time or distance.  Friends don't desert you, or leave you feeling betrayed.  The generosity shown to my son and I during some really dark times will never be forgotten, and neither will you.

My white coat awaits somewhere.  Be you, be blessed, be happy.

Toxic Relationships

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