Monday, October 17, 2016

2 Months Away

Seems like an eternity for me.  Writing is cathartic.  Some may think I write for others (and I do) but I really write to unwind, process, plan, escape.

So, my update.

3 days before the August 5th MCAT, I found out my account had been pilfered by someone who'd stolen my identity.  Over $5,000 was missing and I could not pay the rent.  Sickened, stunned, gutted, I was scared.  It took almost a full day for me to calm down and see what remediation was available for me.  There wasn't really anything to do.  Chase didn't catch the issue, I didn't catch the issue when I went to pay for the rent and it wouldn't process.

My options at that point were to take the test and score, or take the test and void.  I went in thinking I'd void just to see what it was all about and take for real on August 25.

After the chem/physics section, I was thinking, "SCORE!!!!!"  Seriously, everything I wrote about it was true and still is; not beyond difficult, not tricky, pretty straightforward.  Nothing tripped me up.

After CARS, I was thinking, "SCORE!!! DAMN, I have this!"  Seriously, I can remember the topics and the questions and even now, almost 3 months later, I can say confidently, it was not bad; almost easy.

After lunch and my forgetting to stop the clock, I had exactly 82 minutes to finish Bio/Biochem.  And after it was done my thoughts flew through my head, "OMG, I could really nail this thing!  OMG OMG OMG!!!"  Seriously, bio/bioc was almost easy.  Only one passage made me flinch a little; I stopped, drew out the pathway and answered the questions.  DONE!

Then... came psych/soc.  Seriously.  WTF are those people and what the he@# were those topics?  Admittedly, I did not focus too much on this only the 100 page document floating around out on the internet.  And admittedly, it was part of my plan for the few days pre-MCAT exam to study this further.

I voided.

After waiting the required days, I re-registered for the Aug 25th exam.  Studied like a mad woman; especially that psych/soc part; could nail everything from Chomsky to Karl; sociology to psych...

Aug 20th ... drama started in.  A friend knowing how bad things were during August and how often I thought of the sky bridge over the gulf... had stepped in to help cover things... without his support both mentally and financially, this blog might well have been a moot point.

Death equated to peace.

Often I've spoken of 2010 being the 2nd worst year of my life, only to the year my son died in 1986, but this year, 2016, has topped 2010.  There's only so many times a person can be beaten down, lied to, shunned, pushed until they finally break.  I was broken inside.

Failure in my head, failure in my heart.  I wanted peace.  Forever.

My friend stepped in.  He is private and so am I.  I can only say that there are people in his life who do not make him a priority and instead, focus selfishly on themselves.  He was forbidden to speak to me ever again, deleted from my Facebook account, and worse.

That was before the exam.  Two days.  I did not sit for it.  Giving up was seeming to be the easiest thing to do.  All of it.

For years, medical school has kept me going... when things get bad, I'd focus harder.  Now, it just seemed too far away...

But... as anyone knows that has followed this blog for the last 8 years (really?  holy batcrap!), I never give up.

I might for awhile - a day, a week or a month; even maybe 1/2 year... but quit is not in my vocab.

Those words became even more prominent today when a friend of mine was given a diagnosis that is not good.  Doctors give 6 - 12 months where I'd been thinking 4 - 8.

She will never quit until her body does; she'd be ticked if I quit until every medical school told me no.

Multiple times.

I'm not quitting.  But you already knew that :)