Four Years Later

 Weird circumstances brought me back here to unlock the blog, make it public and my question is:

Has it REALLY been 4. Whole Years?!

Let's see so I took the MCAT, did very well.  Applied to all the schools I listed, was accepted at a few but then...

My dad passed away somewhat suddenly at Christmas in 2019.  Tragic, horrific and gut-punching at that was, about an hour after he passed my mother, son and I were put into a little room and told to hang out.

Dad giggles with me at lunch in 2018... that or he expelled methylated gaseous particles! 😅 

Dad sleeping at one of our favorite places: the friend's cabin in WI circa 1969.

Anyway, I had no clue, my mother was always clueless and my son was absolutely shocked.

A little man in a bowtie came in about 5:30A with some sort of folder, after uttering condolences he asked if I'd:

"heard of the bequest program" at the school.

Between the gasping sobs, snorting snot, and blubbering mess that I was, "Dad donated his body?"

The little man in the bowtie responded that he had, in fact, donated his body to the medical school to which the hospital where he was passed was affiliated.

In the split second the realization took for me to understand, I went from unholy mess of mucous to smiling.

My dad.  The man who gave everything to everyone whenever and however he could, now gave to future medical students.

At the school to which I'd been accepted.

With assurances that I'd never be in the lab with him on a slab (I know, 3 years later I can laugh at the rhyme and I'm sure somewhere above, he's laughing too), I was told my options if I did not want my seat.

COVID hit.  I deferred that year.

The next year came and I... said no thank you.

Somewhere between my dad's passing and the last time I could accept and matriculate, something had died in me.

The passion that drove me to overcome all the mess of 2008 - 2011 was gone.  Poof. Like the air escaping from a balloon.  Poof. Like the last bit of hairspray that empties a can with a last gasp.

I miss the science.  During the height of COVID I found myself pulling up PubMed research on coronaviruses and of course, drawing.

I miss studying something that matters.  Something that impacts humans and dogs.

I miss learning the hard sciences how that changes my view of the world around me.  I still have my EK passage books and pulled out a BB2 for kicks and giggles.

I miss that.

Lots.

BUT life does go on and here I am, to tell you: stopping on the medical school path is not defeat.  Thinking you somehow failed, IS defeat.  Anyone wandering on this journey with the focus to become a physician has already won.

Won the game of life as everyone does who chooses to follow their passion.

Go follow yours. Go find what moves you. Go figure out how to move the sand beneath your feet and fill the puddles of mystery with puddles of stuff that matters.