Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I Give Up... /edited (again)

A few weeks ago I sent out my personal statement to a carefully tweaked list of those I trust.

Thank you to those who read it, thank you to those who responded with advice about tweaks making it awesome. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.

Long diatribe, typed in the middle of the night in the midst of extreme midterm anxiety missing people I'd love to talk to and subjects I'd like to digest.

What I wrote was accurate and factual. The SEC and PCAOB along with OSHA if they did their jobs appropriately during the past 10 years... well, life would be different for a lot of folks... me included.


My boss, Beth, should be given a heartfelt thanks as well. As I walked into our offices this morning she asked how I was, listened without judgment and then told me her thoughts.

She said its common this time of the semester for freshmen, or those just returning to school, to get overwhelmed and feel like they are on a roller coaster in the midst of an earthquake while a roaring hurricane is sitting overhead.

Yep! That is exactly how I feel right now. Overwhelmed, diziginated (thanks Mr. Schellhammer for that word), and completely, utterly disorganized all while trying to pull off a 4.0...

She went on to say, its normal. And that for me to take a breath, get through this week, evaluate after my exams are over, and things are calmer. Finally she added, she thinks I probably have the shear stubbornness to get through this difficult time and prosper to my dream.

Thanks, Beth!


Dalai said...

Don't Give UP!!! Take some time, get back on your financial feet (it can be done), and try again. When we let our dreams die, we lose ourselves too. Don't let that happen!

(And you didn't waste anyone's time!)

Carl Raymond said...

PUBLIC COMMENT: Thank you for your transparency. To few people are willing to be. I applaud your efforts to help others by showing your cards for what they are.

Thanks again for considering my earlier post. It IS helpful to better understand the struggles and challenges faced by others who share a similar dream. I've no doubt that you'll be an amazing doctor and for the right reasons - patient care.

I have other friends who have experienced "extraordinary" wealth and then, seen it disappear into the ether without much to show. I wonder though, had you a chance to do it differently - would you still have bought such an upscale home or car? Would your then income have allowed you to pay cash for a home outright? Or for a $45K BMW instead of Escalade? I truly am not judging as I've made some poor financial choices in my life and have been bailing myself out since.

What advice would you give to someone now that you are on the other side of this? Feel free to email if you prefer: carl414@gmail.com


A Doc 2 Be said...


I did not make poor financial choices. I did not buy Prada purses, and Gucci shoes. I paid for my son’s private schooling and his sports fees, I took care of my life, put money away, invested in stock, and savings.

When I bought my house 10 years ago for $335,000 I put $100,000 down on it, at 6% interest with a job making $125,000. Financially, that made sense. As the years went by, I went from $125,000 to over $250,000. Still in the same house.

When I bought my Escalade, I traded in a 2005 Infiniti FX 45 AND a 2004 Escalade ESV for the 2007. Financially, that saved me about $500 per month in direct lien fees as well as additional funds related to insurance, maintenance, etc.

In retrospect, what would I do differently?

I'd lie - a lot. When asked by the partnership to lie to my clients, I would have. I'd have told my clients they truly needed to spend another $2,000,000 on infrastructure they did not need in order to bill another $3.0 million in fees and make partner. When I was told to turn in the kenneling fees, I’d have been paranoid that they were out to get me, and not done so. Instead, I trusted a partner and a different partner is having me sued. It's politics in a dirty world of public accounting.

I would not have told my employer their financial statements to the SEC were wrong and needed to be restated thereby incurring a firing. I would have played the business game, kept my mouth shut, lived with the "squeamish" gnawing in my gut, and kept my job. I would have ignored the CPAs that worked for me and their own misgivings about the financial statements.

Last, I'd have rolled over dead for GM and driven that piece of crap they call their flagship and waited for it to hurt me physically in a truck wreck. Suing for personal injury would have given me far more money than what I got. I would have ignored the legal advice of my attorney and turned in the rental car. I would have ignored those who said they were trying to help me, and instead relied on myself only.

Thankfully, I cannot live that way. I love people. I love their lives’ stories and weavings of experience. I love hearing their viewpoints and discussing diversions from my own.

I did none of the things that would have kept me employed. I can’t lie. I can’t steal. I can’t have my own name signed to the bottom of a document at the SEC and willfully state there are no issues.

I will not and can not give up my integrity to keep a roof over my head. The SEC happened to call my attorney and asked if I stood by my statements. I do but only under subpoena can I state what I know.

Finally, my house is not really fancy. Nice, yes. Fancy? No. I bought it long before the boom era of bad mortgages and overwhelming financial encumbrances. I had planned on retiring there. And for nine years, that had not changed. Until now.

Ella said...

I don't understand? I'm dense, I guess, but are you quitting the pursuit of med school... and why? The pressure of everything and something (this) has to go? Will that really change much? I guess I don't get the connection between the 2 things?

A Doc 2 Be said...

Thank you for your candor, Ella.

I don't see how to make all this mess gel and still keep my 4.0 average going.

Currently, with two exams in the bag, I'm sitting on a 4.0. I have another one scheduled for tomorrow and a second one on Friday.

My head is pounding... I can't study, I can't read, I can't focus.

A Doc 2 Be said...

Dr. Dalai,

You are one of the specific docs I wanted to make sure knew publicly, I'm sorry for taking your time.

You have been supportive, kind, easy in giving your time to an unknown face on a blog on in the interwebs (lol).

Thank you!

Ella said...

Oh, everything is clear now. You have tests tomorrow. This is a classic presentation of pre-meditis!!! I can't tell you how many times I quit being a pre-med a day or two before a test. This is the roller-coaster!!! This is why being a pre-med sucks!!! Everybody does this! I've dropped everything as a pre-med, moved home, wrote an entire novel, done tons of wacky stuff out of stress and convinced myself I didn't want to be a doctor anymore. I think that since you are a little older, your symptoms manifest a little differently (aka all the real life pressures and BS)... which initially threw off my diagnosis. But no, classic case of PRE-MED. Sorry sweetheart. You'll be back on the pre-med bandwagon soon. Congrats on your first breakdown/give-up. Happens to everyone.

Ella said...

And what's up with pressuring yourself into a 4.0? Good way to die early from stress. You only need a 4.0 when you're young, boring, unaccomplished and have nothing but a 4.0. You're an adult, a mom, you have a life. Get serious. You don't need to do it that way.

A Doc 2 Be said...

Ella, I was not sure about you but honestly...

much, much <3... you made me laugh and smile from ear to ear!

Ella said...

You're welcome! Stop by anytime!

Jerri said...

Don't give up! You should know by now that life is hard and sometimes things get seemingly unbearable.

Don't give up your dreams and deprive the world of an excellent doctor because other people are greedy, mean and are trying to bring you down. Work through it. Wishing you the best from here on out.

A Doc 2 Be said...

Thank you, Jerri (all!)

I took my chem exam tonight - head pounding, changing my answers about every 5 minutes, reworking problems, rethinking the thoughts that seemed so clear 5 minutes earlier, only to return yet again and change them.

This week has taken its toll...

Will finish this week out tho - biochem exam up next (Friday)...

Thank you again for the support :)

A Doc 2 Be said...

Ella :)

I'd stop by but... I guess I need an invite :D


Ella said...

Hi! I closed my blog for a little while... but it's open again.